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It’s her second date this week; her fourth this month so far.If it goes like the others, she’ll come home in the middle of the night, crawl into bed beside me, and tell me all about how she and Paulo had sex.It took me about six months — many long, intense conversations, and an ocean of red wine — before I knew it, too.When my wife told me she wanted to open our marriage and take other lovers, she wasn’t rejecting me, she was embracing herself.Celibacy is as valid an expression of sexuality as profligacy.

The point isn’t that all women should be sexual adventurers.We opened a bottle of wine and started talking, and talking, and talking.She didn’t present it as an issue of feminism to me, but after much soul-searching about why the idea of my wife having sex with other men bothered me I came to a few conclusions: Monogamy meant I controlled her sexual expression, and, not to get all women’s-studies major about it, patriarchal oppression essentially boils down to a man’s fear that a woman with sexual agency is a woman he can’t control.What’s important is equality of opportunity, not outcome. People don’t divorce because they can’t stand sharing anymore; they divorce because they feel like they can’t share enough.I never forget that my wife is a whole person unto herself, a complete and dynamic individual, and though we are together, we’re not one.

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